This blog was written by a member of our 2024 Youth Content Squad.
Virginity as a Construct
With the concept of virginity being so popularized and pushed onto young people, it’s no surprise that there are many misconceptions regarding virginity. From the most iconic movies of the last few decades fixating on teenagers’ virginities to personal promises within individual communities, the idea of virginity is presented to us early on and society overemphasizes its value. None of it is based on facts. Virginity isn’t something that exists realistically or scientifically, instead, virginity is an idea created by society.
What is virginity?
Virginity is a social construct because people decided that it exists and gave it meaning, rather than having biological evidence to prove its existence. A social construct is an idea created by people in a society, therefore being enforced and as part of human interaction. It is the society that decided that being a virgin means not having had sex with another person, traditionally, penetrative sex. However, we run into problems when we accept this as the only definition of virginity because we must first think of our definitions of sex and what is considered sex, before claiming who is a virgin or who’s not. Having sex be so broadly defined by everyone makes the idea of virginity something that cannot be directly defined either, therefore, the concept of virginity is a social construct.
Understanding that virginity is a social construct is the first step into understanding the issues that stem from this concept and destigmatizing the idea of virginity.
The Stigma and Issues the Construct of Virginity Causes
The expectations of virginity differ for young men and women – meanwhile, gender non-conforming individuals are not even considered. It is often young women who deal with the idea of virginity adding worth to them as individuals. Often, society draws a correlation between virginity and purity, which is very problematic, hurtful, and sexist. The term “losing your virginity” is quite damaging as it pushes this narrative that once someone has sex and “loses” it, this “pureness” is gone forever, and therefore, they should feel shame. However, these are all harmful concepts made by society and are not based on fact. No one can check or tell whether or not you’re a virgin – there are so many myths regarding the hymen. It is said that if a person’s hymen is “broken”, that means they’ve had sex before. The hymen is a small, thin piece of tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening. It doesn’t cover the opening of the vagina, if it did, it wouldn’t be possible to menstruate, so there isn’t anything that technically “breaks” the hymen. Some people can be born without a hymen, it can change with age and might even be gone by the time of sexual maturity, and many activities can stretch or tear it – such as riding a bike, playing a sport, masturbation, or even penetrative sex. The state of a person’s hymen does not provide evidence of the status of someone’s virginity.
For young men, the concept of virginity can cause harm as well. The idea of young men having to be “pure” is a less popular concept, however, they are encouraged to be sexually active and are expected to be more sexually experienced. With young women, the problems come from not being a virgin, but with young men, the problems come from being a virgin. Young men are expected to want, enjoy, and go after sex. When they don’t meet those expectations, shame is then created for them. There is pressure put on young men to “lose” their virginity, it’s seen as an honor and rite of passage. Not meeting the standards and expectations of other young men by not wanting to have sex immediately or at all causes deep feelings of shame.
We see the dynamics and how it affects young women in contrast to how it affects young men, however, the idea of virginity as a whole is extremely cisnormative. If an individual does not fit into the one box of “young man” or the other box of “young woman”, they are discarded and their existence is ignored. Instead of the shame coming from whether they have sex or not, the shame comes from their identities being completely ignored. Society often erases the idea of queer sex as they try to justify the importance of virginity. Going back to the definitions of virginity and sex, people who do not have penetrative sex at all will have different ideas of virginity, but in these heteronormative discussions, this reality isn’t considered.
A Better View on Virginity
We need to stop these outdated discussions of virginity so society can have a better understanding of their own boundaries and ideas regarding sex. The first step to unlearning the stigma around sex after acknowledging that virginity is a social construct is to figure out what sex means to you. You reclaim your power in this situation by thinking about your boundaries, your situation, your wants and needs, and by reflecting on what matters to you. Your “first time” can still be something you find special and meaningful, but it doesn’t have to be because society makes you feel that way, but rather because you feel like that is important to you. Rather than virginity being something you “lose” or “give away”, thinking of your first time as your “sexual debut” it’s lighthearted and removes the stigma and shame. The term “sexual debut” exists as an alternative and is an empowering way to look at virginity. Young people shouldn’t be shamed for having sex, or even not wanting to have sex, instead, they deserve to establish their own boundaries for their own experiences without these limits.
